I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
