I accidentally burped into my bong.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
