I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
