Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
