I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
