You can't special order awesome
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We have so much sex to catch up on
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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