I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Randomize
