my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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