Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
