I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
