Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You dont lie about slip and slides
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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