I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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