so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Actions speak louder than pants.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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