There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
