it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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