Can i not drive my cunt home
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
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