I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
