we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
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