there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
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