we have officially lost it.
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
