well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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