you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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