I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
