I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
