foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
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