You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
