2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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