Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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