Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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