did you get engaged???
Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
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