so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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