I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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