I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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