i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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