Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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