There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
