i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
