i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
His hands were made for my vagina.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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