By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Randomize
