Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize