when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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