I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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