I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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