I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
