He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
