Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
