life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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