you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
