My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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