i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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