Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
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