there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
