ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
Randomize
