I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
