so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
