Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
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