A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
i think i just lost a toe
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My life is pants optional.
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