No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
