My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
